A man’s current partner doesn’t define his sexuality, but bisexual men can still find themselves having to prove who they are. In a Le Temps podcast, Alan describes the long path from hiding his attraction to women and men to feeling more at ease with himself. His story points to the stereotypes and relationship pressures that can make acceptance harder.
Key takeaways
- Acceptance took time: Alan’s first kiss was with a boy, but it took years for him to recognise and accept his attraction to both women and men.
- Stereotypes persist: Research has documented assumptions that bisexual men are confused, untrustworthy or unable to sustain a monogamous relationship.
- A partner’s gender can affect visibility: Studies suggest bisexual men may be read differently depending on whether their partner is a woman or a man.
- Disclosure is personal: Research on men who kept same-sex experiences private points to anticipated stigma and relationship concerns as possible factors.
Coming out can mean challenging an old idea of manhood
Alan’s story begins with a feeling that something about him is different, set against a neighbourhood where masculinity seemed to follow a narrow script: spend time in the street, play sport, ride a scooter and date women. Even after his first kiss was with a boy, he didn’t immediately have the words or confidence to understand his attraction to both women and men.
In the Le Temps podcast Brise Glace, Alan recalls years of keeping his doubts to himself. By the time he had become a biochemical engineer and moved to Switzerland, he was still working through what his feelings meant. The relief came later, as he stopped trying to hide a part of himself.
The stereotypes behind the doubt
The difficulty isn’t only finding a label. Le Temps describes bisexual men as facing suspicion from more than one direction: some women may question their masculinity, while some gay men may doubt whether their attraction to multiple genders is genuine or stable.
Research gives context to that experience. A study indexed by PubMed found that, in its research setting, bisexual men could be judged as confused or untrustworthy, and as less capable of monogamy or long-term relationships. Those are stereotypes documented by researchers, not truths about bisexual men or a reliable guide to what any individual believes.
Why a partner’s gender can shape how bisexuality is seen
A person’s current relationship can influence how others read their sexuality, even though it doesn’t settle their identity. Research published in Population & Societies by France’s National Institute of Demographic Studies also distinguishes bisexual self-identification from sexual practices and patterns of attraction. Its figures come from the French data it examines, so they shouldn’t be treated as estimates for Switzerland or as a universal picture.
A longitudinal study of young bisexual men found that experiences of hostility and stereotypes varied with the genders of participants’ serious and sexual partners. The authors also describe how bisexual people may be assumed to be gay or heterosexual according to their current partner, making their identity less visible. In other words, a relationship can change how other people perceive someone without changing who that person is.
Disclosure is a conversation, not a test
Alan describes painful conversations with partners, crude jokes from male friends and the strain of explaining an identity others may not understand. That can make openness feel less like a single announcement and more like a series of decisions about trust, timing and safety.
A qualitative study of 203 men in New York City who hadn’t disclosed same-sex behaviour to female partners found that anticipated reactions and relationship concerns could shape decisions to keep it private. The study’s sample is specific, and it doesn’t represent every bisexual man or relationship. A separate study on binegativity and relationship quality likewise examines how suspicion about bisexuality may affect intimate relationships; it doesn’t mean every partner will respond negatively.
Being understood matters beyond the label
Research on bisexual men has examined assumptions that they’re confused, untrustworthy or unable to maintain monogamy. Those ideas can turn ordinary conversations about identity into moments where someone feels they must defend their feelings or prove their reliability.
Alan’s experience offers a personal counterpoint: hiding his feelings made it harder to feel fully himself, while accepting them brought a sense of alignment. It’s a reminder that understanding doesn’t always arrive at once, either for the person coming to terms with their identity or for the people around them.
Being recognised as yourself shouldn’t depend on who you’re dating.
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