A biromantic trans man is wondering whether to explore relationships with men when his sexual attraction is directed towards women. His question opens up a wider conversation about romantic and sexual compatibility, changing self-understanding and finding partners who want the same kind of connection. The key is to explore at your own pace, with clear boundaries and honest expectations.

Essential Takeaways

  • Romance and sex can differ: Someone may feel romantic attraction to more than one gender without sharing the same sexual attraction.
  • There’s no deadline to explore: The columnist says attraction can shift, and dating is a way to learn, not a promise of lifelong commitment.
  • Compatibility needs honest conversation: Be clear about whether you want a romantic relationship without sex, and listen to a potential partner’s needs too.
  • Asexual people can want romance: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network notes that asexual people may seek affection, kissing and committed relationships.
  • Find supportive spaces: Dating apps can help filter for intentions, while LGBTQ+ groups may offer community. Check that spaces are trans-inclusive.

Romantic attraction and sexual desire don’t have to match

The reader describes wanting to kiss and build romantic relationships with men and women, while feeling sexual attraction only to women. That distinction is not a contradiction. Planned Parenthood explains that romantic, emotional and sexual attraction can differ, while the American Psychological Association notes that gender identity and sexual orientation are separate parts of a person’s experience.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network also describes people who use labels such as biromantic while experiencing little or no sexual attraction. A label can help explain what you want, but it doesn’t dictate which kinds of intimacy should feel right.

Explore because you want to, not because you have to

The advice columnist shares that his own attractions changed after transition and hormone therapy. He presents that as personal experience, not a rule for anyone else: there’s no set timetable for understanding attraction, and exploration doesn’t need to become a source of distress.

The American Psychological Association says transition can involve different experiences and that some people may explore or notice changes in attraction. It doesn’t predict what will happen for any individual. So the useful question isn’t whether you ought to date men, but whether you’re curious enough to try.

Ask what kind of relationship would feel fulfilling

Before dating, it may help to consider whether a romantic relationship without sex would meet your needs, particularly if you prefer monogamy. That doesn’t mean you have to solve everything in advance. The columnist’s point is that dating can help you discover what works, as long as you’re honest about your expectations.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network says relationships can involve different levels of interest in sex and may require careful discussion. Some couples consider compromise or consensual non-monogamy, but neither suits everyone. No one should agree to sexual activity that feels uncomfortable or harmful.

Say what you’re looking for early

Dating apps can make it easier to filter for compatible intentions, but their communities and cultures vary. The columnist notes that asexual-focused apps may have small userbases, while broader apps can include people whose expectations don’t match yours. Apps can also feel isolating, so they’re an option, not a test you need to pass.

A clear profile or early conversation can set expectations: you’re interested in romance, and you’re not seeking sex with men. The Trevor Project’s guidance on healthy relationships emphasises honesty, respect, communication and consent. That means being direct about your boundaries while making space for the other person to be equally clear about theirs.

Look for community as well as dates

Potential partners could include asexual or otherwise sexually diverse queer men, as well as people whose relationship preferences fit yours. LGBTQ+ groups may also offer a way to meet people outside dating apps, though it’s worth checking that a group or space is explicitly trans-inclusive.

There’s no guarantee that every promising connection will be compatible. But knowing your boundaries, communicating them and allowing yourself to change your mind can make exploration feel less like a verdict and more like getting to know yourself.

Explore only if it feels right for you, and let compatibility grow from honest conversation.

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